If I Could Go On Sleeping
by Meredith T. Tasaki
Summary: Another alternate Meridian. Daniel's not entirely sure he even wants to fight anymore; he's even less sure that he can.


Summary: Alternate Meridian. Daniel's not entirely sure he even wants to fight anymore; he's even less sure that he can.  
Disclaimer: If Stargate: SG-1 belonged to me, I'd have a better grasp on Sha're and Jonas Quinn, and wouldn't be merely bending them to my own whim, ne? At least not in a fic. I'm a tad hazy on who they do belong to, but I know it isn't me. I don't really own anything in this fic, except a couple of nurses; none of the songs mentioned are mine. The title is from the Eagles' "Best of My Love".  
Notes: This is an AU in which Sha're somehow survived and lost her symbiote. I am remarkably unqualified to write this, having seen the movie only once and not having seen the whole series. But- it was too intriguing an idea, I suppose- what Meridian would have been like, and also what would have happened in "Maternal Instinct" if Sha're had been alive when Oma spirited her child away. She wouldn't have been happy. I hope that I haven't mangled her character too badly.

(-)

The nurse's name was Eileen. He happened to know that, and happened to know that she'd gotten a host of bad pick-up lines since that "Come On Eileen" song he must have missed somehow. She'd even written a vitriolic letter to the band, and then she'd been panicked for a month, afraid that the police were going to come after her, or that the band would file a restraining order. But nothing ever happened.

Behind her was Jake, who'd always wanted to be a football player but had always been defeated by his instinct to run away from the ball. He'd wanted to do something for people; he tried studying social work, but found it too hands-on and messy and personal. He started a medical line of study, thinking he'd become a doctor, but realized he couldn't handle all the cutting and diagnosing and responsibility and the sheer ridiculous volume of facts. Somewhere in him, maybe in that football spirit, he'd found the courage to defy conventions and become a nurse. His Uncle Larry was still absolutely convinced he was gay, but everybody knew that Larry was an alcoholic, so Jake had gotten over that pretty well.

He knew all this because nurses talked a lot to patients, particularly if they were familiar and incapacitated. Daniel fit these two criteria quite often. Probably the nurses had no idea he actually remembered what they'd said, but he did, and he had never told a soul. He kept his secrets.

The looks on their faces were scaring the hell out of him.

"Okay," Janet said. "The good news is, you aren't radioactive, so you can stop staying away from us now."

There were people who would question if that was his motive for staying away.

"You can guess the bad news," she said. "You already know the bad news."

"Uh, I'm guessing it involves death," he said, "and it'll take this time."

"With you," Janet said, "I will never say the second part with certainty. It involves death."

Daniel nodded. "Yes, I guessed."

"I've never seen this type of radiation poisoning before. I've never seen this type of radiation. Daniel, what the hell happened?"

"There was this bomb, and..." Daniel made a vague gesture. He hoped he could get away with omitting the details. His chances, today, were probably pretty good.

"An explosion?"

"No, it never exploded. It just- tried to."

"I believe it was mentioned by a certain Colonel we both know that their government is saying you sabotaged something." Janet was shining a penlight into his eyes. He had no idea why, and thought that it was just possible that there was no reason for it.

"That's what they're saying, yes."

"And it's a lie?"

Daniel didn't want to answer. He wasn't sure why. Let them have their lies; nothing mattered anymore. He'd be dead soon enough; what more could they do to him?

"Oh, come on!" Janet switched off the light and put her hands on her hips. "It's transparently a lie! And there are only about twelve different reasons why it can't be true. For one thing, if you were going to sabotage something, you would just not do such a, pardon my language here, Daniel, such a shitty job of it."

Daniel thought about that. "Yeah, this would be a pretty miserable failure if I had been trying to sabotage it. How did they even get to sabotage? I never went near the thing... Until..."

Janet paused. "Daniel. Did you pull a Spock on us?"

"...I have no no clue what you mean."

"Blame the colonel. Spock, of Star Trek. Died of radiation poisoning in the second movie, fixing some radioactive something-or-other so the ship could get away from... Khan. How could I forget Khan? 'Khaaaaaan!'..." She shook her head, aware that she'd gotten completely off track; she chalked it up to the stress. "Daniel, long story short, did you... I don't even know what I'm asking. Did you stop the thing from blowing up?"

"Well," Daniel said, slowly, so he had time to figure out how to avoid answering the question, "it didn't blow up. Not that it never will. I'm not sure they aren't doomed to blow up their entire planet within five years..."

"Daniel, for the love of! We don't have time for humility."

Daniel looked up. "How much time do we have?"

"Daniel..."

"How much time?"

"It depends on how you define time," she sighed. "Define it as how long your heart keeps beating, and- I can't ever exclude miracles with you, Daniel, and I've never seen anything like this, but based on what we know, extrapolating- that- I don't think that can be more than a couple of days."

Daniel bowed his head slightly. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but- it was not an easy thing to hear. It wasn't- right? He was having trouble accepting this, right?

Janet took a deep dreath and started listing symptoms, medical jargon and translations. Daniel didn't want to listen. He tried to think about something else. He tried to focus on the music that had been in his head all day- but he didn't want to listen to that either.

It was Daniel's gift; it had helped him to sail through school unchallenged. He remembered, at least for the most part, everything he heard. So he heard what Janet said. Hell, he could probably recite it. For some reason, even as he was trying not to hear it, it sank into his mind and crystallized there, knowledge he might never be able to escape.

Summary: he was going to die, and... messily.

"...Are you okay?" Janet asked.

Daniel smiled bitterly. "I thought you spent the last few minutes answering that question."

"Stupid question. Yes." Janet seemed unsteady; very bad sign. Janet was a rock. He looked at her more closely; was she shaking? Was she shaking?

That unnerved him so badly that he started shaking too.

"Eileen, get an IV," Janet said, "might as well be prepared. The rest of SG-1 is still in debriefing, but they won't be for long. Do you want me to keep them away?"

He shook his head, even though the idea sounded tempting. "No, let them in. I'll tell them."

"No," she said. "I'll tell them."

"But-"

"No," she repeated. "I'll tell them. None of you need that conversation."

Daniel decided she was probably right. There would be far too much martyrdom in that talk for anyone involved to stand. "Hi, I'm dying a terrible death." Not a good conversation-starter.

"I've called her," Janet said softly.

"Did you get permission?"

"I didn't need it. He'll approve it retroactively, but I didn't need to ask."

"Is she coming?"

"Is she coming? Daniel, of course she's coming!"

"Yes, of course. Sorry. Right."

"Ma'am." Jake tapped her shoulder. He didn't want to look at Daniel. No, it wasn't quite that, he just didn't think he could stand it if Daniel looked back at him. "They're here. They want to talk to you. I think they'll break things if you leave them alone too long."

"Probably. Daniel, we've got some expensive equipment in there, I've got to go."

He smiled and nodded. Almost normal. The whole thing was almost normal.

"Everyone knows you didn't do it," Eileen said, not looking at him, hooking a bag of something clear to an IV stand. Probably, whatever the liquid was, it was eventually destined for him. "Everyone who knows they're saying you did something knows you didn't do it."

"It would be a ridiculously stupid thing to do," Daniel acknowledged, "considering how I'm going to die."

"So why won't you say so?" she asked, and managed to summon up the courage to look into his eyes. "You didn't do anything to them. Why won't you say that?"

"Why should I bother?" he asked. "If it makes them happy, if it keeps their country stable, why bother?"

"Justice?"

"Is there such a thing?"

"There should be..."

Daniel sighed, outwitted. "I don't know. I- don't know anymore, Eileen. Maybe..."

He wondered for a moment what he had started to say. All he knew was, he was tired. Whether it was the radiation or something else, he didn't know.

Eileen reflected that it took an inordinate amount of courage to look into Dr. Jackson's eyes today. She pulled the monitors closer to the bed and started to untangle wires in preparation. She wouldn't think about what she was preparing for.

Daniel tried not to think about anything, and failed.

'You see it your way, I see it mine, but-'

He shook his head, trying to shock the song away.

"Hey, Daniel," Jack said, knocking briefly on the door as he opened it. "Not giving the nurses any trouble, are you?" He gave a slightly strained version of his customary charming smile to Eileen.

Daniel stopped himself from saying "No, but I will be". "Jack," he remonstrated instead.

"So," Jack said. "What're you gonna do this time?"

"Excuse me?"

"To not die. How're you going to do it this time?"

"I don't think I will... not die. Jeeze, thanks for the weird string of negatives there."

"Anytime. But I think you will. Guess you just don't know how yet."

"Jack."

"Well, excuse me if I don't believe the rumors of your death anymore. You'll find something."

Daniel realized that he didn't really want to "find something". He wasn't sure why, and he wasn't sure he liked it, but it was still- there.

"I have a couple days," he said. "Maybe. I guess it depends."

"Stupid way to pull a sabotage attempt."

"Mm-hmm."

"Daniel."

"What, Jack?"

"Daniel, cut the crap, okay? You didn't sabotage their stupid bomb, and everyone here knows it. Right, Eileen?"

Eileen nodded, slightly surprised he knew her name.

"So what really happened?" Jack, for one, had no reservations about staring into Daniel's eyes today. It was Daniel who found himself looking away.

"It doesn't matter," Daniel said. "Their story's going to be sabotage no matter what you tell them. And it's not like there's anything they can do to me. Let them say what they want."

"No." Jack caught his eyes again. "I will not."

"Jack..."

"I will not let them- Daniel, they're killing you. I'm not gonna let them slander you while they're doing it! Tell me what happened!"

"You seriously think it matters what they're saying about me! Well, let me tell you, it doesn't! It never matters! And if you start thinking it does, all you do is drive yourself crazy, because there are some people out there who will never believe anything you tell them! Who the hell cares!"

"Daniel, they're saying you're a murderer!"

Daniel stopped short.

"Ah, hadn't seen that little nuance, had you?" Jack leaned forward. "You've had other things to think about. But you see, if that radiation was caused by your tampering with their bomb, then the scientists it's killing were killed by you."

That hadn't occured to Daniel, and it was much more sobering than he thought it would be.

"I'm not letting them blame this on you, Daniel. I'm not letting them say you killed those people when there are so many people you've saved. Hell, there are people you've died to save. You can call it primitive, but I will not let them smear your name like this."

"Fine," said Daniel.

"So will you tell me what happened?"

"No."

Jack started to bang his head against the metal guardrails of the bed. From the sound it made, Daniel noted with faint alarm, he was doing so with some force.

"Stop," he said, after a moment, "you'll give yourself a concussion."

"Yeah, I got enough problems," Jack muttered, leaving his head against the rail. "Mainly you."

"I'm a problem?"

"No. You're a lot of different problems, in many different ways."

"Oh. Great."

"I meant that as a compliment. Look, Daniel-"

Janet poked her head through the door. "Daniel."

"She's here?"

Janet nodded.

Jack got up. "This isn't over," he warned. "You'll tell me what happened."

Daniel shrugged and waved. Jack clenched his fists in sheer frustration as he walked back out the door.

"Daniyel?" a faniliar voice said softly. Sha're stepped around Janet, staring at Daniel like she'd never seen him before- or would never see him again. She'd reverted to her Abydonian accent, Janet had scared her quite a lot...

"Hi," he said.

Sha're stepped into the room. Janet held the door open for Eileen- and they were alone.

"She says you will die," Sha're said softly, taking a step toward him. "That has been said before."

"It has."

"You think this time will be different."

"Yes, I do."

"It is my fault..."

"No."

"It is my fault." She stared at him, daring him to challenge her again. He knew he should, but he didn't.

"I can't help it if you were right," he said.

Alarm flashed behind her eyes. She'd never expected him to admit that; he could never admit that. "Since when do you believe that I was right?"

"I admit my mistakes."

"You admit even things that are not mistakes; that was not my question."

"I don't know since when. I just know."

Sha're dropped her head, and drew a breath. She made her way, with that grace that was hers alone- that had been hers alone- to the seat that the Colonel had been haranguing him from mere minutes earlier. "You cannot give up, Daniyel."

"I'm not."

"You have already."

"Sha're- I'm so tired. Maybe it's the radiation, but- I've been starting to feel like- I don't think I can keep fighting anymore."

"You should not have been fighting it," she said. "You should have listened to me."

"I'm not talking about just that," Daniel said. "I mean-everything. I don't think I can..."

"Daniel." She hesitated, then pulled him into her arms.

"You were right, and I'm sorry," he whispered. "I should have let you go."

She shook her head. "Daniel. We still need you. Name me a person here who does not need you. You cannot stop fighting."

"I can try," he whispered.

"You know you cannot."

Daniel didn't know that anymore. He was starting to feel sick, and he was starting to feel like- giving up.

"I am so sorry I have not been able to be as good a wife to you as I should, Daniyel," she said, rocking him slightly. "I love you."

"I know."

She would sit there and listen to music she'd gotten and look like she wasn't there. That's how the song had gotten into his head. That song in particular she kept playing- it was no coincidence. And she was right.

"I'm going back in time, and it's a sweet dream," he heard, the song that was endlessly looping below his mind. "It was a quiet night, and it would be all right if I could go on sleeping..."

"I'm sorry I couldn't believe you," he said.

"I'm sorry I had to be believed."

Daniel breathed a little more deeply, suddenly. She let him go and held him at arm's length, searching his face. "Daniel?"

"I'm fine," he said, only realizing after he said it how transparently false that was. "I mean- you should maybe call Janet in here if you leave."

She looked at him- and pulled him into another hug as tears started to fill her eyes. Even now, after her long study of the English language, she'd only understood about half of the words Janet had said- but she understood that Daniel was going to die, and die a worse death than her Goa'uld enslaver could ever have planned for him. Or- would ever have planned. She didn't think the snake would have had the creativity.

It would have had the evil, though.

She realized now that she was going to lose him.

"If you're asking for her," she said, "that means I should get her, very quick."

Daniel smiled weakly. "I'm told that's the translation."

"I will retrieve her for you." She got up. For whatever reason, she found she couldn't let go of his hand. It had been months, now, since she'd stated the self-evident: it had been too long. Daniel had refused to even think of letting her go. And so she'd never had to realize that maybe she still couldn't let him go, either.

This was popularly called "irony".

She finally let go of his hand, wondering, as she left, how much of that pain in his eyes was physical.

(-)

"I'm here to give you this letter," Jack said. "And say something about how we still want to trade with you."

Jonas Quinn took the letter. "It says nothing of the incident, am I right?"

"If it does," Jack said, "I have people to kill."

"...Right." He started to turn away.

"It's a stupid story," Jack said. "For a whole lot of reasons. Since you don't know him, I can excuse you for not knowing the first forty-eight. But that still leaves a whole lot more."

"It is the official version of events."

"What kind of idiot sabotages a weapon and gives himself a lethal dose of radiation poisoning?"

"A desperate one."

"Yeaah, your plan wasn't that stupid. Daniel's not about to go killing himself for no good reason. He's always got a good reason when he does that."

"...What?"

Jack shook his head. "That story is crap, and we both know it."

"The only person who was there is Dr. Jackson," said Jonas Quinn. "The other scientists have already died."

"Daniel's going to die, too."

There was a flicker of something that looked like guilt behind his eyes. "You cannot save him?"

"Apparently we aren't that good." Jack shoved down his flare of impatience at the immediate vetoing of every prospect of asking for alien intervention. "Dead alien. Perfect patsy."

"Patsy?"

"You're a damn archaeologist or whatever, you can figure out what that means."

"He was so insistent that the bomb was a bad idea. Is it that unbelievable that he might sabotage it?"

"I'M insistent that the bomb is a bad idea. You know why? BECAUSE IT IS. You could blow up your whole damn planet with that thing!"

"We only want it for deterrence."

"Yeah, like that'll last for long. Think those morons in your government realize that if they use it, they'll take themselves out with it? Seems pretty obvious, but I'm not sure if ANY of you people are all that bright."

He bristled. "They would never use it. Never."

"Maybe your world's different than mine- yeah friggin' sure- but on my planet, you can't ever underestimate the intelligence of politicians. No matter how hard you try. You're that sure all they want is deterrence? You're absolutely positive they aren't stupid enough to try to use it to take everyone else out and rule the whole planet? Sure, if you used the bomb, it'd kill you all, but the threat of using it might-if your enemies weren't as stupid as you, which I really doubt-get them to surrender completely to you so that they'll, you know, live."

"That's not what they're after."

"Then what the hell ARE they after? You must know what that bomb is capable of. You're blind, not stupid. What the hell d'you think they want it for?"

Jonas slowly started to figure out what they'd been talking about. He still didn't believe what they were saying, but he started to get the idea. "You don't think an entire civilization could actually just- kill itself. Disappear. That couldn't happen. Except that's what you're saying, isn't it? You think that can happen."

"Can," Jack said, "Has, and it's looking like will."

Jonas was troubled. For whatever reason, that had never really occured to him. Some sort of naivete, he supposed. A few hours ago, he would've thought it impossible that anything like that could happen. He still thought it was impossible. But-now-he wasn't quite as sure-...

"Hell," Jack said. "I don't know. Call me if you change your mind. Give that thing to whoever you give that sort of thing to. I'm going home to watch my best friend die a slow and painful death. Call me if you change your mind."

Jonas got a sudden sick feeling in the back of his mind, the one he got when it abruptly occured to him that someone else was right and he was absolutely wrong. He didn't like that feeling.

No matter, nothing to do about it now. He turned around, wondering who exactly he should take this to.

"Don't let the politicians blow up your planet on the way out!" Jack yelled after him, for no good reason.

Jack found the DHD, and started angrily pushing buttons. 'Call me if you change your mind'. What had that been about?

Everyone kept saying that Daniel had gotten so much more like him. Maybe it went a little bit both ways.

He pressed the red button, sent the signal, stared at the blue of the gate for a few seconds. Strode right though.

"Did you kill them?" Sam asked, standing by the ramp.

"Did you want me to?"

"Ask me tomorrow."

"'Cause I would've taken requests."

"Did you deliver the letter?" Hammond asked.

"I gave it to Quinn," Jack said, "he's smart enough to be an errand-boy. Barely. How's he doing?"

Sam's eyes shadowed and his heart fell. "It's starting," she said.

Jack knew what she meant. She turned, and he knew where she was going. He followed.

Sha're was pacing outside the room. She couldn't go in. She couldn't possibly leave. So she kept hovering around, going one direction, then the other, though she knew she'd soon regret the wasted time. Regretted it already.

"How is he?" Jack asked again.

"They give him drugs," Sha're said. "He rests, for the time being. 'For the time being'- an idiom, it makes no sense when you think about it- or normally it does not; here, now, it almost does- 'for the time being'-..."

"Linguists," Jack said. "Must be contagious." He bit back the crude military humor, "STD."

"You should talk with him," Sha're said. "You're angry."

"Isn't that why I shouldn't talk with him?"

"No. I hope it will rub off."

"You want him to be angry?"

"I want him to feel something besides tired. Anything would do..."

Now Jack was worried. He barged in. "Hey, Daniel."

"Jack, hi. You left. Janet said you were going to go kill the Kelownians. Tell me she was lying."

"More like wishful thinking." Jack laughed shortly, taking the chair. "If I'd have known so many people wanted me to kill those people, I would've been more than happy to take requests... But..." Jack didn't look at the opening sores on Daniel's body, wondering how they could possibly form so fast.

"So you let them live?"

"Wouldn't say it like that, implies it's over with. I've still got time. I can still kill 'em. Damn well might. So. What kinda drugs Doc Frasier got you on?"

"Wow," Daniel murmured, "you really start omitting words when you're anxious. I don't remember the name, but it isn't bad. It's not too powerful yet, I'm not that far gone. I don't want to be. I've seen people on morphine. They start talking to people who aren't there."

Jack nodded. He'd seen people on morphine too. "Figured out how you're gonna get out of this yet?"

"Jack."

"You know you're going to get out of this."

"I don't know that anymore."

"You know you love this place way too much to leave it."

"I don't know that anymore, either..."

"Oh, shit," Jack said, realizing what Sha're was talking about. "You do so know that!"

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"This is a trick, right?"

"Is it working?"

"A little."

"Good, wish I'd been smart enough to think of that. I will next time."

Daniel laughed a little, softly. It hurt more than he thought it would, but he tried not to show it. "You're smart enough to think of that, Jack. You know that. Why do you keep pretending you aren't? Stop pretending you aren't. It's annoying."

"Okay," said Jack.

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Riight. You know, you people should learn Goa'uld. Sha're and Teal'c and I shouldn't be the only ones on the planet who speak it."

"Good point."

"You should learn it."

"If you'll teach me."

"Still stubborn about the immortality thing?"

"Yep. You're not allowed to die."

Daniel shrugged. They'd find out soon enough.

Jack just sat there for a while, holding Daniel's hand. He wasn't sure what he was thinking, or if he was thinking anything at all. But if he was thinking something, it was something along the lines of- It cannot end like this.

I won't let it end like this.

"Why don't you go in?" Sam asked Sha're, softly.

"Why don't you?"

"Because I'm busy, out here asking you why you aren't going in, just in case you're making some sort of huge mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life."

Sha're paused. "Good excuse."

"Why aren't you going in?"

"I can't," she said. "Something about Daniel. Reminds you of your sins- starts you thinking about penance. His eyes, today... I see the nurses, and I know that the look in his eyes is calling to, joining with, that Judaeo-Christian mythology that's so entrenched in your culture... Martyrdom, or something like it..."

Sam reflected briefly that Sha're was much better at using technical jargon than she was at simpler English. Must derive from Daniel somehow. "Yes, it is a little eerie. It- okay, it's freaking the hell out of me. I hadn't thought about it in terms of that kind of myth, and now it's freaking me out even more. I didn't think that was possible. Apparently it is. But that's not everything. Or- maybe it is, but what sins are you atoning for?"

Sha're thought about that for a moment. Did she really need to answer that question, or would she immediately figure out the obvious answer? She decided she could stay silent. It might take a second, but Sam would know.

"...Besides the obvious," Sam said, slightly flushed.

"No," she said softly, "there is no person here without blood on their hands..."

"But that's not it, is it?"

"No- it's not, I suppose."

"You haven't forgiven him?" Sam blinked.

"What? For Kheb? No, that isn't it. I have forgiven him. I think. What choice had he, really? There was nothing he could have done. That may not be the reason he did nothing, but- I do not blame him for that. I don't blame him for anything, though he may not believe it."

Sam digested that. She hadn't really thought properly about the effects that incident on Kheb would have for Daniel and Sha're, really. Because they were fine. They were the big romance. Even if it was an awkward role for them; so much time apart...

"What it is..." she said. "I feel so guilty that we cannot be together anymore..."

Sam tried to misinterpret it. "Because he's dying?"

"No," she said. "I told him- he would not believe me- I told him it had been too long. And it has, but he could never possibly accept that."

Sam closed her eyes in some kind of despair. She'd believed in them. They'd been- love. Affirmation that love existed, was possible, was everything they said it was, was out there if only you could open your heart and find it...

"Except he has accepted it... I am so afraid. I'm not sure it's just his body that is dying. I think we're losing him. I think that's my fault, I think I've broken him. I think he will die in the most complete way possible and his blood will be on my head, mine, completely mine, not mine that was really hers..."

"Maybe there are no happy endings," Sam whispered. She hadn't meant to say it aloud.

"It is always the women who learn first never to believe in them." Sha're leaned against the wall and bowed her head.

"We're going to lose him," Sam realized.

"I won't believe that."

Sam and Sha're turned; Janet had come up to them and neither one had heard her somehow.

"It's not that I'm stupid. I can see he's letting go. I know better than any of you he's going to die. But I believe in redemption. I believe in new beginnings. I believe that he'll- he'll find something in that place to give him peace. And it's Daniel, God, it's Daniel Jackson. I'm not entirely sure he won't come back."

"Messiah of the SGC," Sam said, sarcastic.

"You never know," said Janet.

Sha're took a breath, realizing what she had to do. She strode into the room. "Daniel? Are you all right?"

"Kind of a silly question," he noted. "You came back?"

"You thought I wouldn't?" She noticed Teal'c was standing in the corner. "Teal'c? I had not seen you, I had not thought that you were here."

"I entered through the other door," Teal'c said. "I did not leave."

"Yeah, he came in a couple minutes ago," Daniel said. "He got Jack a candy bar."

Jack, in the middle of eating said candy bar, made a muffled noise and waved at Sha're.

"Which is good," Daniel said, "because it was getting depressing in here. Hi Sam."

"Hi," Sam said, and didn't know what else to say. Probably why it was depressing in here.

"Daniel," Janet said. "Oh dear. Why the hell didn't you call me?"

"Call you for what?" Daniel blinked.

"Damn. We'll need to bandage you up. Damn. Eileen!"

Jack looked back over at Daniel and figured out what Janet was talking about. Daniel was bleeding.

"Mummies," Janet muttered, "like a damn mummy, how ironic is that? Eileen, there you are. Get some bandages."

"How many, which kind?"

Janet guestured at Daniel.

"...Okay, a crapload, I see. Yes, ma'am." Eileen turned and hurried away.

"Is he okay?" Sha're asked, worried. Then realized, again, it was a very stupid question.

"Do I need to up your pain meds?" Janet asked. Daniel shook his head stubbornly. "Well, tell me when I do. Because I will. You can not tell me you didn't notice that bleeding."

"I didn't notice it."

"Hell. Why do you keep doing this to me?"

Eileen came back in with an armload of bandages and Jake. "Should we get everyone out now?"

"Please," Janet said.

"Hey!" Jack protested as Jake took his arm.

"Colonel," Janet said, "even I don't want to be here for this."

"Fine," Jack sighed. They were guided out into the hall, and the door closed.

"Limbo," Sam said.

"What the hell do we do now?" Jack asked.

A siren sounded; the familiar red-and-white lights started flashing. "Warning, incoming traveler!"

They looked at each other and, as one, ran toward the gate room.

"Just what we needed," Jack griped, "what the hell's gone wrong now?"

He led the up the stairs to the control room. "General?" he yelled.

"Ah," Hammond said, "I was going to call you."

Jack stopped completely, until Teal'c and Sam ran into him, which caused him to stumble forward a couple paces.

"He says his name is Jonas Quinn," Hammond said. "He claims to be defecting. Since you're the ones who've met him..."

"Defecting," Jack said, "or defective?"

Hammond gave him a dry look. "Defecting. And he says he's brought some of that, that radioactive stuff you're so interested in, Major."

"Shielded," she said, "right?"

Jonas waved the box a little, and immediately stopped when the guards cocked their guns. "I swear I'm defecting," he called.

"Okay," Jack said. "Let's go talk to him." He turned around; Sam, Teal'c, and Sha're moved apart to let him lead the way down the stairs.

"You think he's telling the truth?" Sam questioned.

"I personally do not believe Jonas Quinn possesses the cunning to lie about such a matter," Teal'c said. "And I highly doubt that his government is competent at that level either."

"Hey, good," Jack said, "I won't be the only one holding a grudge. Thanks, Teal'c."

Teal'c made no reply.

"Quinn," Jack said, walking into the gate room. "Hi."

"I brought naquadria," Jonas said timidly.

Sam grabbed the box, with Jonas still holding it, and quickly examined it. "It should be safe," she sighed in relief, and dropped the box. Jonas, still holding it, was thrown slightly off-balance.

"I took all I could," Jonas said. "Please, uh, don't hate me, if you could. Or, don't shoot me? It would be nice if you could not shoot me."

"Why'd you defect?" Jack asked bluntly.

"You were right," Jonas said. "Dr. Jackson was right."

"And you noticed this, when?"

Jonas sighed. "I was speaking to my superiors about the blast. I explained very carefully our new projections of what the bomb was capable of. I saw this- this light, in their eyes, when I spoke of how much destruction it could cause, even though I explained several times that using the bomb would be suicide. Even after the accident, they wanted to continue the program. It was- madness. So I took as much naquadria as I could and came here. It wasn't safe in their hands. It may not be safe in any hands, but it's safer here."

Jack looked at his teammates. Sam was nodding slowly. Teal'c didn't look happy, but he rarely actually looked happy, and Jack suspected he had the same attitude as he did; he believed Quinn's story, but, as yet, neither trusted nor liked him.

"Accident," Sha're said. "So you admit it was not sabotage?"

"I do," Jonas said. "My government probably never will, but I do."

"Then what happened?" Jack demanded.

"He may not know," Sam pointed out.

"No, I know," Jonas said. "I was there."

There was a silence. Jack stared at him levelly. "You were there."

"Yes."

"Strange."

"Why?"

"You're alive."

"Uh... It's, uh..."

"Jack," Sha're said, "let the man tell the story."

"Hi," Jonas said, noticing her, "we haven't met. I'm Jonas Quinn."

Sha're thought for a moment, then shook his hand. "I am Sha're. Tell your tale."

"Okay, uh..." He took a breath. "I was talking with Dr. Jackson. He was still trying to convince me that our missile program was suicidal insanity. He brought up the point that maybe the civilization that we know was on our planet before killed themselves the same way. I didn't believe him; I didn't think that was possible. I didn't think anybody would be crazy enough to use this thing, or at least nobody that crazy would ever get near it..."

He glanced at Sha're and decided not to glance at her again; something about her kind of scared him right now. He wasn't sure what. "So I guess that was kinda naive."

"Yeah," said Jack. "Could we maybe get to the important part now?"

"Right," he said, his customary bravado having abandoned him today. "So- we went into this room. It was the observation room. We were watching them build the bomb. Then something went wrong. Something got stuck- it started to give off radiation, it probably was about to explode. No one was doing anything. Well, someone was doing something, but there was obviously no way they were going to do anything in time. We were supposed to have procedures for this. They really failed miserably. I've heard everyone was just running away..."

Sha're realized the way the story had to end. All the others had an idea of it as well.

"So- there was a window between us and the laboratory. I had no idea what to do- Dr. Jackson took out his gun and started shooting at the window. I asked him if he was crazy, what the hell was he doing. Then he, uh, ran at the window and- jumped through. He- went up to the bomb, and figured out what to do, and- well- saved-the entire planet, really."

Sam gasped, even though she'd seen it coming. Teal'c and Jack wore expressions that were indecipherable.

"I- uh- I remember, after he'd fixed the bomb, he was- he started staring at his hands- I think he felt that radiation, I think he knew what had just happened, probably better than I did right then. And he looked up at me, and..." Jonas fidgeted. "Well..."

"You saw this," Sha're whispered. "You saw this and then you spread that filthy lie? You were there and you let them slander him like that and you said it went that way yourself and you still live? You see this happen and can live with yourself? By the true gods, how!"

Jonas looked guilty. "I-"

"He lies in a hospital cot dying! He lies there bleeding from sores that have covered his body, dying because he was the only one with the courage to save your planet, dying for you idiots who slander his name for his trouble."

"Sha're-" Sam tried.

"Unreasonable! Of course I am being unreasonable. If you think that I care, you are out of your mind!"

"Ma'am, I-" Jonas tried.

"I warn you, child! I leave you be for now, but enter my sight again, and I tell you I do not know what I will do!" Sha're stormed out of the room.

"She's had a bad day," Sam said. "She's had a bad life, really. She's not reasonable right now, and she honestly doesn't care. Hiding from her may seem juvenile, but that's what I'd suggest. Don't let her see you."

"She knows him," Jonas said, "doesn't she?"

"She is his wife," Teal'c answered, stony calm.

"...God," Jonas said.

"Okay," Jack said, "I'm gonna take you to a little room now where you can stay until the NID people come. Hopefully, we'll have forgiven you by then. I'll try to get guards assigned who won't forget to bring you food. We'll see you in a few days. Saunders?"

He savored the look of panic on Jonas's face as Saunders took his arm and led him away. Unreasonable? Hell yes. You bet your sweet ass it was unreasonable.

"We are obligated by law to feed him?"

"Yes, Teal'c."

Teal'c did not say, "Damn."

Frivolities, Sam realized, distractions from the truth. It was still happening. It was still coming.

She walked out of the gate room. After a moment, Jack and Teal'c did too.

(-)

"Taking on all the sins of the world..." he vaguely heard Janet murmur. "Not all that far off. I don't know what that means... Or if any of this means anything at all..."

He felt himself fall asleep, something drug-induced, no doubt. Janet had been forced to give him something stronger, now, and it was harder to keep awake. It wasn't morphine yet; he wasn't gone yet.

He was beginning to fully realize that he would be.

"Such things are not inevitable, Daniel."

He turned around. Oma, standing in front of the gate. "What are you doing here?"

"I am here to show you the path," Oma said.

Daniel waited for a clarification. As he should have expected, there was none, so he tried to puzzle it out himself. "You do know I'm on narcotic medications, right?"

Oma waited patiently. Maybe it was the English language, Daniel thought; English liked words, liked including things. Definite and indefinite articles, pronouns, verbs, there was so much more specificity in English than in many other languages...

"Ascension," Daniel realized. "The path to being one of you."

Oma nodded. Why she couldn't just say that, why they never could just come out and say anything...

Daniel realized his predicament. Death or ascension. She had him in a corner, now. Except- it wasn't as easy a choice as it should be. Something in his survival instinct had gone seriously awry.

"Let go of your burdens," Oma said, "and you may live if you believe that you are worthy to."

Worthy?...

Daniel quietly whispered a four-letter word.

"Whoa."

Daniel opened his eyes; the infirmary again.

"I didn't know you knew that word," Janet said, smiling.

"I'm a linguist," Daniel said. "Of course I know that word... Want to hear its eytmology?"

"Okay."

"You little psychotic self-debasing little child."

Daniel blinked as Sha're's angry face leaned into his view. "Hi, honey, how was work?..."

"Why did you not tell us! You psychotic!"

"Tell you what?"

"The game's up," Sha're said. "Jonas Quinn defuncted."

"Defected."

"Who the hell cares. We know what happened now. How DARE you let them say that about you! How dare you not tell us the truth!"

"What happened?" Janet asked, curiously.

"He saved that worthless planet," Sha're snapped. "Saved it from its own wretched idiocy. And what do they do! What does he get in return!"

"You did pull a Spock on us!" Janet realized.

"What? Oh, I care not. Why didn't you say something!"

"What would I have said? How the hell could I have said it, how do you say something like that without sounding..."

"Holy God Almighty!" Sha're cried. "A time like this! A time like this, you worry about sounding arrogant! Insanity! The sun has addled your mind!"

"Possibly," Daniel said, thinking about Oma.

"Lunatic martyr!" Sha're threw herself into the chair. Daniel realized, after a second, that her head was buried in her lap and she was starting to cry.

Jack poked his head into the room. "Sha're kick your ass?"

"Yes," Daniel answered.

"Then, well, I guess it'd be redundant..." Jack trailed off, staring at Daniel.

"It can't possibly look that bad," Daniel muttered.

"No," Sam said, "of course not."

Daniel closed his eyes. Wonderful.

"So. You figured out how you're gonna get through this one yet?"

Daniel moaned. "Oh, for the love of God, Jack!"

"Have you?"

Daniel was silent, angry, though he wasn't sure what at.

"You have!"

"No," Daniel insisted. "I just- had this dream, that maybe... might not have been a dream."

"What kind of dream?" Sam asked, daring to hope.

"With... uh..." He glanced at Sha're, and winced, not just because of the pain. "Oma De-"

"Son of a bitch." Sha're's head snapped up.

"It was a dream," Daniel said quickly.

"You're certain that's the path you wish to take? What did the bitch say?"

"Sha're-"

"Tell me, for once in your damned life!"

"She wants me to ascend, okay! Are you happy now!"

"Son of a bitch!" she yelled again. "She has the audacity! Sam, tell me something has changed since I last asked if I could kill her!"

Sam shrugged helplessly, slightly scared of getting involved.

"But that'd mean you'd live, right?" Jack questioned. "You wouldn't strictly die? You'd just be a glowy spaghetti thing like Oma was."

"I would assume so," Daniel said, evasive.

"Fate worse than death!" Sha're muttered.

"Sha're, she saved your son," Daniel snapped.

"From what! From whom! And at what cost!"

"I don't understand why the hell you!"

"No!" Sha're cried. "Finish! What have you wanted to say? Why I am still so angry at her for stealing my child? Why I still consider that child mine? Why I care about that child at all?"

"NO," Daniel said.

"You may lie to me, but you're lying to yourself as well. Don't you think there's too little time for that?"

"Sha're," Jack said. "Please. You really think-"

"Yes," Daniel said. "Maybe... yes."

Jack and Sam looked at him quizzically, wondering what question he was answering.

"Maybe that's what I have been thinking," Daniel said. "Maybe you're right. You're always right. I... yes."

"It is my child," Sha're said softly. "I do not care from what evil it came. It is mine, and I should never be expected to give it up."

"I don't," Daniel said.

"She does."

"So I should what? Ignore her?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Daniel turned his bandage-covered head away. "I feel like a damn mummy in all this."

"That isn't what you've always wanted?"

"Sha're!"

"I'll be right back." Sha're rose and hurried away.

"Keeps getting better and better," Daniel muttered.

"This may be a good time to start the morphine," Janet said.

"Yeah," said Daniel, "okay."

"I will find Sha're," Teal'c said.

"She may not want to be found," Sam pointed out.

"That does not concern me," Teal'c said, and exited.

"Before that morphine takes effect," Sam said, carefully laying a hand on Daniel's bandage-covered shoulder, "I should probably tell you I've sent a message to my Dad. I'm hoping he'll come and use the Goa'uld healing device."

"No," said Daniel.

"He's better with it than I am."

"That's not it."

"He can probably do it, Daniel," Sam said. "He can fix you."

Daniel laughed a little, before slipping out of consciousness.

"I get the feeling I'm missing something here," Jack said.

"Sam tried to use the device on Daniel while you were giving that letter to Jonas Quinn," Janet sighed. "Needless to say, it didn't work."

"I think, maybe it made him worse," Sam said. "But I wouldn't even know, so, well. Dad can probably do it."

"Worse?" Jack asked. And understood the look that had been on her face when she'd asked if he'd killed them. It hadn't been a very Samlike thing to do, but he'd chalked it up to the stress.

Now he knew better.

(-)

"It is something I know you are capable of," said Oma.

"Something I do not know that I am capable of," Daniel said. "And capability, capability hardly matters right now. It's not that I think I can't. It's that I think I won't."

"I believe that you have been making your way to the Great Path for a very long time now, Daniel."

"And it has been such a long journey, such a long journey. I- I don't know if you can understand this, Oma, but I am tired. I'm just tired. I don't want to go anywhere anymore. I don't want to find- find the truth, I'm not looking for enlightenment, I'm not looking for knowledge anymore. I just want an end, Oma."

"Your wife still has not released her burdens," Oma said.

"Released- God, Oma, you have the strangest definition of 'burdens'. What you mean is, she still hates you. And yes, that's true."

"Is this why you will not try to find your path?"

"One of the reasons," Daniel said. "Yes, it's one of the reasons."

"You must release-"

"Oma, I've betrayed her enough times already. I won't do it again."

"It is not a betrayal."

"You cannot tell me that."

"Perhaps not. Daniel, you are worthy of this! You are more than worthy of this. This is your destiny, Daniel, this is what you were meant to be. Why can you not believe that?"

"That phrase, 'meant to be'," Daniel said. "Who's doing the meaning?"

"You are worthy of so much, Daniel," Oma said. "You could be so many things. You are so close to the Great Path. Come join us."

"Meant to be by whom?" Daniel said. And would say nothing else.

(-)

"No one should ever have to see someone die," Sam said quietly. "Not more than once, at least, and not like this."

Jack sighed. His head was resting on his arms, which were folded against the metal guardrail, and he was staring at a patch of white sheet on the other side of the bed.

"It took weeks for me to actually see him," Jack said. "I was distracted. A lot of that stuff in the report, I didn't know at the time. I saw him- he was at a blackboard, with all these hieroglyphics on it, and he was crossing out words of some translation and replacing them with his own. At the time? I didn't care. Gate of heaven, Stargate, what's the difference, anyway? Didn't know they'd been working on that sentence for weeks. Wouldn't have cared anyway. Then he locked himself in a room for a couple weeks with coffee and doughnuts and a big rock."

Sam chuckled. "Sounds like Daniel."

"Yeah, I think he'd gotten the idea somewhere that he wasn't going to get paid until he got the thing translated. Or maybe he just thought he wouldn't deserve to. Catherine would drag him out of the room into the mess every couple days or so. He'd have about five books with him and he'd be looking between them while Catherine made him eat. I didn't care about any of this at the time."

Sam nodded, just listening. This story wasn't one that came up very often, and when it did, it was usually almost entirely composed of all the details any idiot could read in the mission report. She loved these stories because she would have so loved to have been there...

"It was kinda funny to watch him fiddling with all those huge rolls of paper when he finally did figure it out, but probably I didn't actually see him at all until..."

Jack paused. "They never told him anything, and I don't know why. Everything they told him to do, they'd figured out already. But he figured it all out on his own anyway, in a fraction of the time it'd taken them. It's what he does."

Sam nodded, and looked at what she could see of Daniel's face. "Do you think he'll wake up?"

"With all this..." Jack poked the IV bag. "And all that..." He gestured at the bandages. "I'm not sure we want him to."

(-)

"You are a difficult woman to find."

"I have been attempting to elude you for five minutes now."

"You did a remarkable job."

"Are you just saying that to be polite?"

"I am not."

"Would you say that just to be polite?"

"I imagine that I would."

"Why have you followed me, Teal'c?"

"To remind you of several things that you know better than I, but have forgotten."

"Like what?"

Teal'c caught her eyes, looked at her with that hard-won Jaffa calm. "You have loved him."

"I still do."

"Does that not mean you seek the best for him?"

"It does."

"Yet you would watch him die when there is a chance that he could live."

"It's his choice, Teal'c."

"But he knows, he has heard you say that you do not wish him to become an Ancient."

"Is it so wrong for me to have an opinion on the matter?"

"In this case, it is."

"Really."

"Have you not seen it, Sha're? Daniel Jackson would throw himself in front of a staff blast if you asked it of him. He would hardly hesitate at all, even if your eyes shone with Goa'uld light as you said it. You must be aware of this."

"I do not think that's true."

"You know better than I that Daniel Jackson is a man of deep guilts."

"Yes."

"He feels he has betrayed you."

"Maybe he has."

"You know that he has not."

"...Yes."

"He now would see the act of ascending as another betrayal of you."

"Because it would be."

"It would not."

"It would."

"It would not."

"That woman has my son. Now she plots to take away my husband as well. Undoubtably what she wanted all along. The only thing left for her to take from me will be my life, and I know that she will someday have that too."

"She has not taken Daniel Jackson yet. And if you do not relent, she never will. Daniel Jackson will die. He will die, and he will feel that he deserves it. Is that what you desire?"

"It is better than being one of her."

"Is it?"

"Yes!"

"He will die in despair. He will die, having given up on life. He will die rather than betray you."

"He has betrayed me before. Why should he not now?"

"You said he had not betrayed you."

"Maybe I lied. Maybe I've lied too."

"What has he done to you, Sha're? What has he done to you that he must die?"

"I do not wish him to die."

"You do not wish him to ascend."

"No."

"You must realize that those two statements both mean the same thing."

"No."

"You cannot have it both ways."

"I can try."

"Sha're. Is your hatred for this woman truly more important than your husband's life?"

"...No."

"Oma Desala cannot take Daniel Jackson from you. You must know that. He would not let that happen."

"...No, he would not."

"Would this ascension truly change him?"

"Lesser things already have."

"Have they? Has he truly changed?"

"Yes."

"Has he?"

"...I do not know."

"He is weary; that is certain. Has that truly changed who he is?"

"...No."

"It would seem to me that you face a choice. You may continue your hatred and anger and watch Daniel Jackson die. Or you may let it go."

"Let him go."

"Perhaps. Is that not what you have been asking?"

"I have been asking it of him for quite some time."

"And yet you cannot require the same of yourself."

"I am aware of the irony, Teal'c."

"I told you before I started that none of the information I was to impart to you would be new. I told you that you would know all of this already."

"Yes, I know. I knew. I have known, I will know, the whole conjugation."

"I cannot tell you what to do now."

"No, you can't."

"You must decide. But I warn you; there is little time. And this decision is irrevocable."

Sha're sighed. "I know."

They were silent for a few minutes, as Teal'c let Sha're think everything through.

"I thank you, Teal'c," said Sha're, sounding a little distant.

Teal'c inclined his head.

"So full of guilt..." Sha're murmured. "I should have seen that. I... No matter which path I choose- he chooses. Either path, I must make him remember. This is his choice. This must be his choice."

They turned their heads as one at the flash of the warning lights. He started down the corridor; she followed.

"-radiation poisoning," they heard Sam say, and adjusted their course to try to intercept her. "It's very bad, Dad."

"How the hell did it happen? Wait, Daniel Jackson, how the hell has it not happened before. No, no, wrong time. How is he doing?"

"Not well," Sam said.

Teal'c and Sha're caught up to them. "Jacob Carter," Sha're said. "What has brought you here?"

"Sam asked me," Jacob replied. "Said it was urgent. She obviously wasn't kidding."

"He was on this planet," Sam explained quickly, "and they had this bomb, and it malfunctioned, and Daniel, being Daniel..."

"Wow," Jacob said, "Jack must be making a lot of bad jokes about 'The Wrath of Khan'."

"No," Sam said, "he's not."

"My God, this must be serious."

"The bomb had naquadria in it, Dad."

Jacob stumbled with shock. "Naquadria!"

Sam nodded.

"My God, I thought it could only be atomic. This is serious..."

"It wasn't before?" questioned Sha're.

"Naquadria," Jacob said, and shook his head. "How much?"

Sam shrugged. "Obviously enough to kill him. I didn't see the bomb."

"Why not?"

"They didn't show me."

"Mr. Carter," Janet said, as they reached the door. "Hello. I'm so glad you came."

"How long has it been?"

"Several hours."

Jacob shook his head. "We can try."

"Try?" Janet asked.

"Do you have the healing device?"

Janet opened the door to Daniel's room. Jack rose, instinctively, as they came in; the Goa'uld device was on a surgical tray beside him.

Jacob slipped the device onto his arm. "Oh my God. What the hell did he do?"

"Long story," Jack said. "Can you fix him?"

Jacob held his hand over Daniel. Everyone watched as the device glowed red.

"The tissue damage is extensive," Jacob said, shaking his head. "I don't think I can repair all of it."

"But you can repair some of it," Jack said.

"But because of the very nature of radiation poisoning...?" Janet said.

Jacob nodded. "Some may not be enough."

"We have to try it," Sam said.

Janet turned to Sha're. "This may only buy us time, Sha're. I hate to ask this of you, but it's your decision."

Sha're hesitated. "I- think you should attempt it," she said. "I think it can do no harm."

Jacob nodded and began.

(-)

"They are trying to heal you," Oma said.

"Yeah," said Daniel.

"It cannot work."

"I know. Probably they know too."

"But they cannot let go of you."

"Maybe not."

"Just as you will not let go of your guilt."

"This again."

"I do not want to see you die, Daniel," Oma said. "I do not wish to see your potential wasted."

"I don't think I have any potential anymore."

"You look back," Oma said, "and all you can see is what you have done wrong."

"Because it's so damned overwhelming."

"Does it so thoroughly negate what you have done right?"

"Yes!"

"Daniel, no!"

"Why do you suddenly make sense?" Daniel questioned. "Why are you suddenly not talking in metaphors all the time?"

"Because," Oma said, "you cannot convince a man who is dying of thirst of the beauty of the ocean."

Daniel stared at her.

"As you said," Oma said, "you are on powerful narcotics. It seems best to make the lessons more... straightforward, even if some of the meaning is lost in the translation. It is a language not your own, that you do not yet speak fluently. But Daniel, give it time! And you will learn it as deeply as you do every other."

"And what good has it done?"

"How many worlds have you saved, Daniel? Have you forgotten so quickly why you are here?"

"Those people?" Daniel shook his head. "I'm sure they're already busy trying to find a slower way to kill themselves. It might have been more merciful to let them die quickly. Get it over with."

"As you are trying to do."

"...Damn it, yes. As I am trying to do."

"Why can you not see, Daniel!" Oma floated towards him. "Life is not all pain, it is not all worthless! There is goodness and love and beauty there as well! And it is worth fighting to protect!"

"Oh, come on, as if love never hurts anybody! It hurts everybody! And that's not something you can change!"

"But it is worth the pain."

"There's been too much pain for me to believe that anymore."

"You have merely forgotten, Daniel."

"I've crossed this river so many times before. Every time I've been dragged back. Why can't I be allowed to see the other shore? Why do I have to cheat it all the time? Why can't I, just this once, pay my debt and die?"

"Your debt?"

"'All that lives must die'."

"And you, of all people, believe that?"

"I thought I'd said several times that I do."

"Your race has such guilt. Such illogical guilt. From the stories of the Garden of Eden and what you call 'original sin'. You're remembering that story, are you not?"

"I've cheated death."

"And your race takes it for granted that deserves to be punished."

"Yes."

"Are you so sure of that?"

"...Well, I was... But that isn't even the point."

"Guilt? Guilt is the point. The only point. Guilt is your burden. Guilt is what is holding you back from what you could become. You do not believe you deserve to be anything more than you are. You do not believe you deserve to exist. Oh, Daniel, if you could see the world through my eyes..."

Daniel was silent for a long moment. "You may be right," he said.

"I am happy that you acknowledge that possibility."

"But I don't think that changes anything."

"If I am right, and you are wrong, it changes nothing?"

"No."

"The medications they have given you are evidently much more powerful than I had feared."

"...Did you just insult me?"

"I did not."

"But you implied that my judgment is unreliable."

"It would seem self-evident."

"I thought you were all enlightened and things."

"Which is one of the many reasons that I know your judgment is unreliable."

"Right," Daniel said. "I think I'm waking up now, because in reality, at least the things that insult me don't glow."

Oma shook her head, at a loss to understand Daniel's reasoning. Daniel thought as he drifted back to semi-consciousness that he couldn't really blame her; at this point he could barely understand it himself.

"You tried to save me," Daniel said, forcing his eyes open.

"Uh, Daniel..." Jack poked him gingerly. "We're sitting over on this side of the bed."

"Did it work?" Daniel asked, still staring at the empty space on his left.

"Uh," Jack said, "you tell me."

Daniel shrugged almost imperceptibly. "I don't know," he said, "these are pretty powerful drugs. You look all purple and the butterflies can fly right through you. Do you know why that is?"

"God," Jack muttered, "morphine should be outlawed."

"Yeah," Sam said, "I'm getting Janet now." She hurried out.

"Where'd the sandstorm come from?" Daniel squinted. "Or are those flies? Why is there blood?"

"This can't be legal," Jack muttered. "Daniel! Wake up, now, please. We're over here."

"You learned to throw your voice," Daniel said. "Was it during that time loop thing? When you learned to juggle too. I see you taught General Hammond, good show."

Sha're shook her head, unnerved. "This cannot be normal."

"JANET!" Jack bellowed.

Janet hurried through the door, as if on cue. "I'm coming, I'm coming! He's awake?"

"I do not think it can be called that," Teal'c said.

"Daniel?" Janet went to the other side of the bed, and picked up one of Daniel's arms, checking his pulse in some sort of reflex.

"Janet?" Daniel said, squinting up at her. "When did you dye your hair blonde? And why are there two of you?"

"Because you're on morphine, Daniel," Janet explained kindly.

"OH," Daniel said, eyes widening in the revelation.

"What now?" Jack asked.

"I'll have to see if his lesions have cleared up any more. If so, I'll start weaning him off of the morphine." Janet started to unwrap a few of the bandages.

"I cannot possibly talk to him like this," Sha're said to nobody. "He will not hear me."

"Oh..." Janet sighed. "Damn."

"What?" Sam asked.

"Jacob was right," Janet said, shaking her head. "He hasn't been able to heal all of the damage."

"But we knew that," Sam said.

"The lesions haven't gotten any smaller," Janet said. "In fact, they're growing again. We've bought a few more hours; nothing more."

"That's impossible," Sam said.

Janet shook her head. "No, that's the one thing about this situation that isn't."

"Why did you let HIM in here?" Daniel asked. "I don't want to see him!"

"It's okay," Janet said, stroking his bandage-covered head, "we'll get him to leave, okay?"

"He'll never leave, he'll never leave. He never leaves. I don't want him here."

"We'll get him out, Daniel."

"But you can't!" Daniel cried. "He's just standing there, he'll never leave, he's staring at me..."

There was a noise at the door. When Janet looked up, Sam and Sha're had disappeared.

"We've just got to either lower this dose," Janet said, "or up it. We can't do this. Daniel, try to get some rest now."

"But he's staring at me."

"I'll draw the curtain," Janet said.

Jack looked at her strangely; there was no curtain.

"See?" Janet said, and pantomimed drawing a curtain partway around the bed. "He's behind the curtain now, isn't he? Isn't that better?"

"Yes," Daniel sighed. "Thank you."

"Try to get some sleep, Daniel," Janet said. "You need your sleep."

"Okay," said Daniel, closing his eyes. "I'll try."

"C'mon, Daniel," Jack whispered. "Don't leave us like this."

Janet squeezed his shoulder absently as she left.

(-)

Sha're wasn't sure what time it was. It felt like twilight. It probably wasn't, not outside.

She was alone with Daniel. She wasn't completely sure how that had happened, exactly, but Teal'c had been meddling with things today. He, or Janet, or maybe both of them, must have cleared the room. And time was running out.

"Daniel," she said quietly, in her first language. "Wherever you are, hear me."

She paused, trying to think of what exactly she should say. A vague outline, even, would be helpful.

"The nights back home," she said, naming the first image that came into her mind. "The nights on Abydos. Cold, cold nights. You would look up at the sky as if it was something entirely new, and you explained to me it was, because your home was so far away the stars were different. Your home was one of those stars up there. You said there were more stars in that sky than you had seen in years and years... You said there were more stars out there than anyone could ever count, and more worlds out there than we could dream of, and an eternity of life, all only as far as the sky. Do you remember that? You must remember that."

She paused, gathering up her words, and waited for another image to come into her mind.

"You never were a child of sunlight, except perhaps in spirit. It was what you found in shadow that ensorcelled you. When we found those caves... I could hardly get you out of them. You'd stay there, staring at the walls, scribbling things down in any way you could. Always you have loved words. I think it is for the same reason that I now do. The written language. You look at the little drawings... and they mean something to you. And you suddenly realize that, here is another person. Part of their spirit is caught up and reflected in their words. Here is another person, and they are saying something! They are long gone from here, but they speak, and I understand. It is not just information, but to know someone. To know another person exists. Maybe like love?

"You would spend all your time in the caves and they would say it was because you did not like people. I knew better. I told them it was instead because you loved people more than anyone I had ever known. Most of them did not understand. I think a few eventually did."

She paused again, still trying to figure out her point. She reached out a hand to lightly touch the bandages on Daniel's face.

"You love people, Daniel," she said. "You always have. And you still do. Look deep into your heart, Daniel, and you will see it is still there. You have been hurt so often... some of that may be my fault... You have been through some of the worst troubles of life, and still you love people. Even if that love has betrayed you so often that you want to forget about it. I know it is still there.

"You love people, it is part of who you are. You may be too weary to admit it, but it still sleeps within you. Beloved, wake it up. Daniel, remember your secret name. Whichever path you choose, choose it as yourself, not as this fallen prophet eaten by guilt. I absolve you. I absolve you. You have meant nothing but the best, and you have achieved so much good... Perhaps it is time for you to make that long journey to your rest in the land of the dead. Perhaps it is not. I cannot know. Only you and the gods can know that.

"Daniel, whichever path you choose, choose it not in guilt and fear and hatred. I have been guilty of that. If there is more work for you to do, then go and do it, even if it is with that miserable glowing wench. No, no, I'm sorry. I will not resent you for living among the people of Oma. I will not think it a sin, or a betrayal. I will think that it was where your heart led you. I will know you were not tempted or seduced, I will know it was not a sin. I will know it is where you should be. I will know you do not belong to her. You will still be you. Maybe in some way mine. It is what it is, Daniel, we are what we have become, and I do not resent it. It's up to you, now, Daniel. And if you follow your heart, I know your decision will be the right one. You have... You have my faith. If you hear nothing else... you have my faith."

She sat back, deciding that time was short, and anything more would not only be yet another repetition of what she'd said before, but might also waste time that Daniel needed. But her mind was still full of images. Of course, when she was done talking, the things to talk about crowded her mind. It had been such a short time, that paradise of theirs, but there were so many memories...

Jack walked back in and sat beside her. After a second, Sam and Teal'c came in too. Jacob came in a few minutes later; Sha're didn't notice when Janet started hovering around, but it was probably very soon.

They waited.

Sha're felt the light before she saw it. She didn't want to look up, because damn it, she did still hate that glowing wench, more than anything except the Goa'uld. She looked up.

"Thank you," she heard, "so much, for everything. And- I'm so sorry. And I love you."

The light- the lights- flew out through the door. Everyone else turned to look at it; Sam and Jack ran out to track its progress. Janet walked slowly to the door and stared with Teal'c down the corridor. Jacob left, after standing with them for a moment, to find Sam.

Sha're stared at the empty bed; she would never know for how long.

She finally whispered, "I love you too."

(-) 


End file.
